I am the monster. Goo Goo Gajoob!

Since the beginning of the year, I have been trying to walk a new path in my life. A proactive path where I create my own life. If this sounds common, or ridiculous, please know that for a 9 on the Enneagram this is terrifying. As a 9, I like to merge with others. I am comfortable helping people live their lives. Which means, I’m not great on living my own life.

This might seem odd to you coming from me. Me, who took a risk and left the corporate world to become a massage therapist when everyone else told me it was a bad idea. But I’ll let you in on a little secret…sometimes 9s look fear in the face and say, “Don’t care.”

When a 9 makes a decision or chooses a path despite the fear of conflict and uncertainty, it is called “Right Action.” And, when a 9 makes such a decision and takes “right action,” it is because they know, deep inside themselves, that it is the right thing to do.

As one Enneagram website put it, “Right Action (living out one’s deepest calling), bringing themselves forward more and embodying a Higher Quality of Holy Love (life’s unconditional embrace.)”

Just for reference, the same website says when a 9 is unhealthy, they are “driven by Sloth (resistance to find true calling and participating), Nines start Diffusing: spreading energy around to side-projects or blending with the needs and priorities of others.”

So, in the past, when I have made big decisions, it has been because my gut suddenly said, “You have to do this, NOW!”

What I am doing now is not motivated from right action. If it was, it would be a hell of a lot easier. What I am doing now, creating my own life path, has come from a year and a half of learning more about myself as an Enneagram 9, reflecting on the past, observing myself in day to day life, and coming to a conclusion of what changes I need to make.

In the past, with right action, I truly believe that my inner wisdom and spirit guides have dropped me right in front of the right path and said, “Walk.” And now, I feel like I’m being given the final exam. Put to use all that you have learned, Heather.

What I am moving forward with is creating the life that I want, not just what is given to me. I’m changing thought patterns on work and money. I’m changing thought patterns on my place in this world. It’s a lot. And I’m scared.

I’m scared that I’m not good enough. I’m scared that I don’t have the skills. I’m scared that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I’m scared that people will think I’m ridiculous. I’m scared that people will think I’m a faker. I’m scared that it is all going to be a waste of time. I’m scared that I’m stuck where I am forever.

That’s a lot of fear, eh?

Hence, I’ve been doing a lot of meditation asking for spiritual guidance. During my energy healing mentorship, we did lots of meditations learning to talk to spirit guides. Up till now, I’ve mostly asked for spiritual guidance during energy healing sessions. It is the spirit guides that give me all the information and energy to clear away your “bad stuff.” This is the first time I’ve really sat down with them and asked, “What should I do? Am I doing the right thing?”

So, for the probably 50th time, I was in a meditation talking to my spirit guide. I’m asking, “Am I doing the right thing? Will I be okay? Are you sure?!” And he is just nodding like a patient teacher, patting my head to reassure me. I can see he is getting tired of reassuring me.

So I ask him, “Is there anything you want to tell me? Anything I need to know?” This is the first time I’ve asked an open ended question like this.  Usually, I’m very specific. “Should I do this? Should I do that?” I ask this open ended question, “Is there anything you want to tell me?” and I open myself up to a response. A response can be a feeling, a word, a sentence, an image, a memory…

He showed me Grover. 

Wasn’t expecting that.

Once you have a response, you must try to understand what it means. Some responses are easier than others. Grover was in the “others” category.

So I thought about it. What does Grover mean to me? And then I remembered one of my favorite books when I was a kid. It is a Grover book called, “The Monster at the End of this Book.”  

Spoiler Alert if you haven’t read it.

In the book, Grover reads the title and realizes there will be a monster at the end of the book. Grover is afraid of monsters. So, he tries to keep you from turning pages so you won’t get to the end of the book. My favorite part is when he builds a brick wall to stop you. Of course, you turn the page and on the next page the brick wall is destroyed and he says, “Do you know that you are very strong?” I thought that was hilarious when I was a kid. At the end of the book, Grover realizes he is the monster at the end of the book. So, there was nothing to be afraid of all along.

He is the monster at the end of the book, so there is nothing to be afraid of.

I am the monster. So there is nothing to be afraid of.

I am the only one standing in my way. It isn’t people, the world, or whatever I have been concocting in my mind. It is only me. I am the monster in my way.

And, as far as monsters go, I’m not very scary.

I am the monster. So there is no need to be afraid.

This is my new mantra. “I am the monster.” When something seems scary or hard, I remind myself, “I am the monster. There is no reason to be afraid.”

We have all been told many, many times in one form or another that the only thing standing in our way is ourselves. There are tons of motivational quotes. For example:

“You’re far too smart to be the only thing standing in your way.”

“There’s only one thing standing in your way…so step aside.”

“Your only limit is you.”

“The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.”

“When you get out of your own way is when you’ll learn you can fly.”

“The only person standing in your way is you.”

You see what I mean. But, just like many other life lessons, we need to hear it again and again in different ways until something hits you just right…or you are ready to hear it.

I was ready to hear it from Grover. 

Are you the monster at the end of your book?

What is your book about?

What are you holding yourself back from?

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Heather

I am a yoga and meditation teacher, energy healer and I teach Enneagram workshops. I'm here to help people grow and find their true selves.

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